Going...Going...Gone

Poem of the Day

REJECTION

I try to love you, to be all I can
you shove and push and pull me away
rejecting my love for fantasy’s of your own
living your life in abject obscurity.

Do you know what it means to love?
Can you envelope the way of the beast?
Does the passion for another stir
within your breast or lie dormant?

Others displease you with their imperfections
leaving you vulnerable, facing rejection
looking for weaknesses, always on the watch
pitching a fit with self-pitying clarity.

Distrust envelopes your soul
Self-pity shatters your trust
Imperfections cloud your senses
illuminating weaknesses within your foes.

Oh, if the world were the way you view it
a wary place with hypocrites roaming
a sadder place could not be forthcoming
nor a heavier load placed on weary shoulders.

What The Heck?
I have a friend who is a softball coach at the college level. He's a young guy and when I met him, he had just been married a year. When he and his wife met, she was an All American pitcher on a college softball team. He was the assistant coach and also taught at the local middle school.

They get married after having known each other several years. Now, in his mind, he's a college coach looking to better himself, move up to head coach at a four-year university. In her mind, he's an assistant coach, a middle school teacher, and she wants to stay right where she is, with Mama. He gets a job as head coach at a two-year college and she doesn't want to leave Mama, but does. She is only separated by an hour or two. Hubby's goal of becomming head coach at a four-year college and Wifey’s goal to stay tied to Mama's apron strings do not mesh.

They decide to have a baby and Wife gets pregnant. Husband gets a job in South Texas at a four year university as head coach. Now we get to the good part. Wife tells husband that she doesn't want to move to a place so far from home and says she'll have the baby where Mama can help her and then come. This idea lasts two seconds. She calls hubby, gives him an ultimatum to quit his job and move back to a place where he has no job, no potential for growth in his career and on top of that, it’s a VERY small town; because she will never leave Mama again, this is the life she wants. He says he's not sure he wants to give up on his career that soon in life and he loves her, can't they discuss this?

She answered him by filing a divorce two weeks later without even telling him. He learned about it from a friend. They are now divorced with a child that is to be born any day. My question is, why did she decide to have a child with him if she could drop her feelings for him that quickly? That's his question too and he wants the baby to be DNA tested to see if it really is his because he doesn't think she would have been that willing to leave if she did not have someone else. He said to me that, "What did she think? She knew I was a coach when she met and then married me."

This is the problem: When people meet and decide to marry, most of them never discuss their individual goals. They each have a different vision about the other and assume something on their part that may or may not be true. His wife's vision of what their life would be like together centered around what they were doing when they met. She assumed he'd just keep being assistant coach forever and keep being a teacher at an alternative middle school forever and she could stay in her hometown, live next door to Mama, Grandma and sister's forever and live happily forever.

He thought that since she played softball and he was an assistant coach with desires to move into head coach that she would just know he wanted to move on to bigger and better things, that he would not be happy forever staying assistant coach nor a teacher in an alternative school, and since she had played on a high level, would just naturally know that a coach was gone a whole lot. So when something big came up, like moving 1,000 miles from Mama, Wifey was not in love with Hubby enough to keep the commitment she made when she married him; thus a divorce took place that took him by surprise. Perhaps, had they discussed what each wanted out of life and each other, how the individual goals could fit together or not, the end result may have turned out differently.

The thing that struck me was this guy loved his wife and said so. He did not like to be away from her for long, so he always made arrangements where she could go with him. Mama even tagged along with them to Hawaii. He said she had a right to happiness too and when she began to complain about moving from Mama the first time, he tried to find a fulfilling position closer to her mom. She on the other hand, continued to tell him to apply for head coach jobs and when one panned out, bolted.

Two years is not a long time to be married. The mistake; assuming the other understood about individual goals without discussing how those individual goals would fit into a marriage and the inability to negotiate a solution. Not compromise a solution, but negotiate a solution. There is a huge difference between the two.

Ah, well, my heart goes out to him.

Post Script:
Baby is born, a girl. Now the true drama begins.

Poem of the Day

KISSES

Your kisses are:

devoured hungrily
consumed liberally
taste deliciously
given sensually
taken literally

And I …….
embrace them heartily.

Mates
What was it about your mate that made you fall for them and do they still have whatever it was? Do you still feel the same way or is your Knight in Shining Armor tarnished beyond repair? Do you still thrill to the voice of your beloved or cringe when you hear their voice? Does your heart still beat fast when you see them all of the sudden or does it beat faster from pent up anger? Have you accomplished the dreams you started with or have they been dashed to pieces? Would you marry them again or run from them? Have they disappointed you or have you disappointed them? Are they always wrong while you're always right? Is your love such that you don't see the added weight or the thinning hair, the love handles, or whitening hair, the lines that creep or crinkley crows feet? Make's you think, doesn't it?

Orange County Choppers
There's not too many TV shows that I become interested in, but Orange County Choppers, I like. Maybe it's a throw-back to the days when I was a motorcycle mama. Maybe it goes clear back to my teenage days when the president of the local biker gang yelled at me and asked if I'd like to be his "old lady". I'd get to wear a jacket with "Property of Mad Jack" emblazoned across the back. Uh, no, THANKS!

Anyway, I like watching a thought become a reality in the form of a magnificent chopper. Awesome! The dad gets on my nerves occasionally. I mean, why does he always yell at Pauly, his oldest son and laugh at that dufuss, Mikey. I like Mikey, he's funny. But, get real; he's just a goof for the biggest part. And Pauly, like most first kids, just takes the abuse. Tonight, Mikey was grinding some bolts and Dad began to get frustrated, but does Mikey get the same going over that Pauly does? Heck no! He just says he forgets that he has to add more time when Mikey's involved because of his learning curve. Pooh!


Wyatt Earp
I've been reading a book about Wyatt Earp. I've read several, however, I think this one is the most accurate to date. It's very well researched. For any Wyatt Earp enthusiast, read "Inventing Wyatt, Earp" by Allen Barra.

Politics
I'm an Independent. I don't particularly care for either party. Both parties are sub-par in many areas. My solution would be simple; if the elected officials don't meet their voters’ approval after they get in office, boot them out like California did their governor. It's our own fault though, most of us don't have the slightest idea how our officials vote, what they stand for, or if they are even carrying out the promises they made. I'm all for a term limit on Senators, Representatives, and Judges.

Students
I have taught K- College age now and let me tell you; the excuses students give you for not doing their work, not turning in their work, and not being responsible are no different in college than in grade school kids. They are just reworded. Instead of "My little bro or sis tore it up", you get "My baby threw up on it," or "My husband/wife, drove off with it in the car," to "I partied too hard last night and don't know where I put it." Get real!

Dog
My dog loves snow! He's half collie. The other part is a little less reliable, but I know his mom was part lab and something. He's chocolate brown with semi long hair and a white chest like a collie, but he's as stout as a lab. He's a natural pointer too. Anyway, he loves to play in the snow. He'll go out for hours and run in it and watch the flakes floating down. And, if you toss him a snowball, he'll eat as many as you want to throw.

Have a good day!

Poem of the Day

YOYO WORLD

Kicked aside like an old worn shoe
Never knowing, what you're going to do
One moment, it's me and you
The next second, I haven't a clue.
Never knowing what will come next
I thought I knew, but it's all new text.
Living in your yoyo world
Pushed and shoved, more often hurled
Flying by the seat of your pants
I don't understand this stupid dance.
Let me off, I need a break,
need some time to catch my breath
before I'm thrown by your wayward wind
one more time where I can't swim.

Out of Time
I haven't been doing too well with the blog lately. I've been busy, but at the same time nothing interesting has been going on. I'm enjoying my part-time job so far and visit the school once a week.

We had our first really big snow yesterday. It's supposed to snow again tomorrow. We probably got around 4-6 inches and if this had been Oklahoma, it would have shut schools down. Here, they just delayed for 2 hours.

My daughter got a really cute haircut the other day. The cutter did an excellent job and it basically just falls into place.

I'm still reading, but I'm also writing as well. I have the rough draft of one book nearly finished and will begin looking for an agent. I have several children't stories finished. Time will tell whether anything comes of it or not.

Well, I have places to go and things to do. I'll try to get back on the ball with my blogging.

Poem of the Day

HOME

Home is but a memory in time
ripped without consent
from my grasp
displacing me in another realm of reality
security
disavowed.
And I am left
seeking
always
seeking
congruity amidst strife.

Reading

I've been reading quite a lot, mostly books I've read before, but oh, the joy of meeting old friends again! To date I've read; Dracula, My Friend Flicka, Thunderhead, Green Grass of Wyoming, Wyoming Summer, Celia Garth and have others waiting in the wing. I'm in reading heaven!

Stuff
I cut my hair SHORT today. I like it. I've never been one to mess with my hair. When I was a kid and my girlfriends began to priss, I quit playing with them. Don't get me wrong. I always look nice, makeup and such, I just refuse to primp!

Why is it that many bosses are prone to behaviors and actions that prompt their employees to call them such things as pompous windbags, idiots, a_ _ holes and other insulting names? My daughters, both in different states are dealing with bosses of such character. It seems that there is no honesty or ethics left in the workplace. If you've read any of my previous blog, you'll know my husband and I went through a terrible situation due to such a boss. And, there are no employee rights! Is everyone aware of that? No rights except federal and those have to be proven.

My vacuum is broken and I'm heartbroken! It's new; or was. Now it's little brush is broken and won't rotate. I of course, can't find the receipt and the sweeper is only 6 months old. This means I'll have to boot the repair cost as well as having to lug or mail the heavy thing to a service center. It's imperative that I have a good vacuum because my dog is long-haired and this vacuum really works on picking up the hair.

My step-son has spent nearly $400 beginning right before Christmas and continuing on. He has no job and all he does is stick his hand out for more money and my husband gives it to him. He promised him $100 because the kid didn't make the basketball team. My daughter didn't make the dance team and she didn't get this deal plus she had to work her senior year.

I love my step-son. I've raised him since he was 4, nearly 5, but I have not been able to treat him as I did my other 4 kids. He has spent much of his time since he was 10 in trouble at school making F's and disrespecting teachers and bus drivers and then in trouble with the police for stupid things he's done. He has never suffered the consequences for his actions because his dad won't let him. We've spent thousands of dollars on lawyers. He is irresponsible and is hanging on to graduating this year by just a thread. His dad didn't want to let him mow both the front and back yard because he said he might get too tired! Can you imagine that. He said our 10 year old daughter could mow the front which is larger than the back. I stopped that and told him to stop treat the kid like a baby. He's 6 feet tall with size 11 feet for pete's sake!

I have put my foot down and whether daddy likes it or not, when and if my step-son graduates, he is getting a job and paying his insurance and gas just like all my other kids did. All the others worked too so why should his child be so special as to not having any responsibilities? Grrrrr!

Well, since this is my second attempt at posting this, I think I'll get out of here.

Poem of the Day

DON'T MOURN

Don't mourn for what is lost
nor look behind in grief
Don't cry, for what once was
the past we can't repeat

But live within, the here and now
new memories do occur
The old unseats, the new entreats
begging us to come forward

After all, just a razors breadth
separate the pair
The old that was, the new to come
kiss and become best friends.

Good Books
I just finished reading a trio of books that I read when in junior high. They are by Mary O'Hara and reading them again was a totally different experience than when I first read them because I was a kid then and am now about the parent's age in the books. Many of you may have read them: My Friend Flicka, Thunderhead, Green Grass of Wyoming, and Wyoming Summer.

You know how when you hear a certain song or smell, memories come rushing in and you relieve the good feelings you had the first time? Well, that is how it was reading those books. But, I also encountered an emotion that I wasn't expecting; a type of sadness I guess, for what was gone, dreams I had that didn't come about. It's been 30 years since I first read them and then, I payed more attention to how the kids interacted and reacted than the parents because that's what I was, a kid. Now, I paid attention to the parents and their marriage and got a totally different perspective this time around. It was a unique experience for me.

Job
Tomorrow I go to meet the cooperative teachers and today, I looked and looked and drove and drove trying to find the school and couldn't. I went two different times. So, tomorrow I'll have to try again and this time, find it. Everyone I talked to gave me different directions. It was a mess. It's a good thing I don't meet with them until after school closes.

Card
Your card came today. Thanks! Rantz said there would be pictures?

Ah well, I drank too much caffeine after not having had much for over two months and am wired now, so this is about all I can manage in the way of thinking or typing.

In A Hurry

Just a quick note to say I'm really busy! I got the adjunct position at the university and have been busy with it the last several days so when I get some good time, I'll write more.

Poem of the Day

CHANGING TIDES

Changing tides are coming my way
As time moves forward, what was decays
Fog up ahead, hinders my view
What lies in front is all brand new.

Change
I am like a chameleon, always changing colors; yet at the same time, I am like the woman in the Bible who kept looking back at her old life and finally turned into a pillar of salt because she would not go forward. Change is the fabric of my life. From a distance it looks exciting and I run toward it, arms outstretched, but I am bound by earthly salt, by that I mean, even though change seems to center around my life, when it finally comes to me, I fight it even if I’ve had a hand in it.

And change has brought with it things I miss; small things, things I used to take for granted like the smell of new turned dirt, or the sharp tang of sweet feed, or the softness of my horses muzzle against my cheek and the smell of her body all warm and sweaty under the saddle and the cold nights with a bonfire roaring and the howls and yelps of the coyotes ringing all around. It’s then I realize that my chameleon ways and salt pillar ways have turned me in directions I never thought I’d know.

Sometimes I yearn for the excitement of youth when my soul listened for things to come and the flying hoofs of a midnight horse could make my heart sing; when the waiting for that first love, the waiting and wanting and dreaming and when it finally happened, how my heart soared!

Then later, the plowing of the dirt and planting of tiny seeds and finally, an abundance of growing things planted and grown by my own hands; and the laughing of my kids and me when the turtle would come to steal a nip of tomato and scurry away. When the cats, and kittens, dogs and pigmy goat would push and butt us all off the path and run ahead of us making us laugh. And baby kittens all warm and fuzzy would come spilling out of the barn in a long line to meet us while the horses hung their heads low against the cold, cold wind waiting for feed while their breath mingled and mixed with the cigarette smoke wreathing round their heads.

But, that was another time, another place and then change came along, change that comes to all of us and old memories replaced with new memories and new times just as good.

Poem of the Day

FACES IN A FRAME

The faces encased within the frame
so long ago from another place
vacantly gaze into the past
ignoring the present who’s stolen their space.
Caught by the camera’s watchful eye
Once existed but now gone by
Held forever within a border
Alive no longer lives disassembled
observers study the fading faces
supplying details they’ll never discover
and the images in the frame stubbornly stare on
forever encased in their little border home.

Long, Long Time
It's been a long time since I blogged. So much has been going on I just couldn't find the time but today, is the day. So, sit back and enjoy.

December 19th I took my daughter to the airport. As usual, things happen to me and I couldn't just take her, oh no, I had to take her in a snow storm. I love snow, but driving is not one of my favorite things to do. Indy is about an hour from where we live so at 6:30, bright and early, we set out. I had called the highway patrolman to find out road conditions and they gave the all clear so on we went. Everything went ok and I'm to pick her up next week. But, guess what? After 2 weeks of above average temperatures, the day I pick her up it's supposed to snow. By the time I pick her up, I will have driven to that airport 3 times and all times will have been in some type of weather. In June I took my older daughter in a blinding rainstorm. In December I took the other in a blinding snowstorm and now it appears I will be picking her up in one. I think I may prefer Oklahoma's tornados. At least I can hide from them in a cellar!

The 20th we set out for Oklahoma. Our 17 year old son drove behind us. That's a headache in itself. He's made this trip driving 3 times already, but his driving certainly has not improved with all the experience he's had. Needless to say, you're on pins and needles the whole 650 miles watching him weave from one side of the road to the other.

We were supposed to go to my husband's parents when we first got back to have Christmas with them the 21st. His mom called though the day before we left and said she didn't feel well and thought she had the flu. She said she didn't want to cook or for us to get the flu so we went to my daughters instead. Come to find out, she didn't have the flu, she was cranky and hadn't even called the rest of the family to let them even know we were all supposed to meet the 21st! My husband ended up going for 2 days and then we all had to drive to Edmond to her other son's house for an impromptu dinner and get-together. It really irritated me when I found out she really wasn't ill. It threw all of us into having to hurry around and set things up just because she was cranky!

Then we come to my mom. Of course, I love her, but have you ever been around someone who sucks all the energy out of you both mentally and physically? My mom is such a person. Her first question to me is not how the trip went, but "When did you get in?" This is asked to see if I called her the moment I came in and no, I don't because she is so negative. I called her 12 hours after I came in because I need that much time to prepare myself mentally for all the questions and all the negativity. Grrrrr!

She threw her annual fit, this time over green salad and it went on for two days. We had all agreed she would cook the turkey and ham (and I told her I would cook them too) and my daughter and I would do the rest. She never mentioned cooking anything else and had in fact, said she didn't want to because it made her too tired.

Some time Christmas morning, she called and asked my daughter if she wanted a green salad. My daughter told her she didn't, but if she wanted one to fix it. Mom asked her again and again she said no. She asked again and that time, my daughter asked the rest of us if we wanted one. We all said no. My son and other daughter went to pick up the gravy she had made, but she had made a bunch of other stuff too. She said she'd be there later. We had all told Mom we'd be eating at noon and would go on if she weren't there (she's always late and we have waited 2 hrs. on her before.)

She never showed up! We waited and finally opened the packages. Around 2 or 3 hours later, I became concerned that she had fallen or something had happened to her because I had called her several times and she had not answered. I had even called everyone else I knew to see if she was at one of their houses. When I got there, she wouldn't answer the door and I had to pound on it. She finally came and said she just didn't feel like coming, that she wasn't going to eat with people who didn't appreciate her, that she had stayed up all night cooking 2 turkeys (why she cooked 2, I don't know) and cooked all this other stuff because she knew her grandchildren (my kids) liked her cooking because all I cooked was low fat (one of her jabs at me). Then she said I had been there 12 hours before I had called her and Blah, Blah, BLAH. I just walked out.

But of course, it didn't stop there. She called later that night and talked for 40 minutes without me saying not one word. She became so abusive I hung up. Then she called again and when she couldn't get me to agree I was a horrible daughter for not calling her the first rattle out of the box, hung up on me. The next day she started again when my daughter and I took her presents over and went on and on about "the salad" and told my daughter that she let others influence her (implying that my daughters husband would not let her have a green salad) and again Blah, Blah, BLAH.

Anyway, I saw some people I had not seen in a long time, mostly former students and they were so grown up! I taught these kids in 3rd and 4th grade and now they're seniors! I saw my childhood friend who I've kept in touch with all these years and was last year diagnosed as bi-polar. She wound up institutionalized for a time and now is on medication. The person I knew all those years is gone. It is as if her personality just disappeared. She used to be so bubbly with a twinkle in her eye and she just sat there and basically only answered questions. They think oxycontin addiction helped to trigger the episode (this was prescription and she did not abuse the amount).

All in all, it was a nice 7 days home and for the most part, I enjoyed it very much. During the drive home, we found out someone had stolen our credit card number and used it to the tune of $6,000. Things were charged in Florida to some Ta Kwon Do place. That was a bummer, but the credit card company took care of it.

New Years we went to a friend’s house and now, I'm ready for the kids to go back to school. My step-son is mad because we won't let him on the computer. The kid is addicted to it! He gets this intense look on his face when he is on and he HAS to touch the computer screen. He asks to check his email, but then he tries to chat. We've had to buy 2 computers because he has downloaded so much crap and viruses that the hardrives crashed. We're on our 3rd computer in 4 years and he has crashed this new one 3 times since September. Well, he'll just have to be mad because many important files were lost because of his addiction. He also won't stay away from pornographic sights no matter how much we tell him and him goes to sights we know causes problems with computers. He just does what he wants!

That's all I can think of for the moment. Have a good day.