Going...Going...Gone

Thoughts (portions of a letter to someone I love)
Sometimes I miss the old fashioned love letter. This is quicker and easier, but there’s just no personality that goes along with it, no personal touch. There’s no slip of the pen to hint at what the writer might be feeling, no smudge of ink where a tear drop may have fallen hinting at the writer’s state of mind. Nothing. Just cold words on a computer screen with nothing to define who the writer is or for what purpose they are writing. And, there’s nothing to leave behind. No paper or pen or perfumed scented envelopes to say that someone once lived and dreamed, that they were. Nothing much left for mankind. Just a push of a button and everything I’ve said will be gone and no one will know how I loved you or what I thought about you.

I watched those videos and life has just gone by so fast, hasn’t it? When you’re living it, you don’t seem to have time to see it or to cherish what is right then. In too big of a hurry to get to the next place or the next level or the next time and when you do stop to look, it is all gone. Life is like that I guess, the scratching and clawing for what you want and missing out on the real things then finding out maybe, just maybe you’ve lived your whole life struggling for the wrong thing, living unfulfilled, but not even knowing it until you’re all grown up and looking on the backside of youth and then you say ah, was all I chased after really what life is about or was it the struggle of motherhood, of attempting to raise kids to understand what is real and important, to teach them to understand that nature has a lesson to teach and they must learn from it, that God is real and if you’ll just let it, nature will teach you all about him.

I know, because I’ve lived it. I know what it is like to have a huge animal with mane and tail flying, hoofs pounding the earth, running just because they love you and to feel the power of that animal beneath you knowing that for thousands of years it was the only mode of transportation. I know what it is to hold furry, warm kittens close on a cold night and listen to the coyotes speak in that soul wrenching cry, nose tilted to the heavens. I know what it is to plant a seed and tend it and care for it and when the first green shoot comes up through the hard soil to know the joy of doing something with your own hands and that it will give life and nourishment to not only you, but others as well. The rabbits come and the turtles to take a nip out of the tomatoes and we don’t want them there, but really, what’s it going to hurt to share a little with them? I always had an over abundance.

Well, perhaps I’m a little, what’s that word you used to say, contemplative? Melancholy? It just seems silly to me now to run to and fro wasting time on things that don’t fulfill. My passion is nature, writing, and photography. It amazes me the way the world works together to accomplish what it needs to and few people ever understand that. They don’t understand that when you take out too much, it dies a little each time. Earth is wearing out because of man’s greed. They don’t understand that what they’re taking from nature, they’re taking from themselves; mankind. Few look at it as a whole, but only their little section, but as the world population grows, there is too many little sections. Don’t they realize that one day each section will make the whole?

I miss you. It’s stupid the years we wasted on pride and stupidity and the toll it took on everyone. Live your dreams yes, but neither one of us did. We settled because of rash decisions or because what we really wanted required much work or effort or fear of failure or just fear itself. What character or fortitude lies in that? These are my thoughts. You may not see it the way I do, but for me, this is right.

You are the love of my life. I will always see you the way I first did, the first time I walked into your office; handsome, cocky, but underneath all that vulnerable, lonely, and searching for the same thing I was; trust, loyalty, and the other half of me. I found that in you.